


Scranton diet

by Sour_Lemons



Category: Santa Clarita Diet (TV), The Office (US)
Genre: Cannibalism, I will add tags as I continue the story, M/M, The santa clarita diet au no one asked for, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25242079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sour_Lemons/pseuds/Sour_Lemons
Summary: Jim becomes undead! Basically the Santa Clarita Diet au no one asked for! (It's not the same as the show but i mean it's similar at times)
Relationships: Jim Halpert/Dwight Schrute
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	1. The Beginning of The End

**Author's Note:**

> Get ready

Jim looked very ill, Dwight knew from the moment he awoke something was wrong. Dwight was the first one up but that was normal. What wasn’t normal was Jim walking into the kitchen holding his stomach with one hand and putting his other hand on his head. On most days Jim and Dwight’s son; Shay, would drive his sister Hera to school. Shay was nicknamed Lemon because according to Dwight he has a sour attitude, Shay’s friends found this funny and they adopted the nickname. The Schrutes had three kids legally, Lemon, Hera, and Ferris. Dwight and Jim Had adopted Hera and Ferris when they were babies but Jim’s friend; Mark had died in a terribly tragic car crash and his mother died of Leukemia shortly after when Lemon was thirteen and Jim and Dwight were his godparents. It had been four years and Lemon still never really considered the Schrutes his family but Dwight and Jim had always considered Lemon part of the family.   
“You look like shit.” Lemon nodded towards Jim as he said this. Anyone who didn’t know Lemon would think he was being a bitch but Dwight saw the concern in his eyes.  
“Oh, I think I’m not doing so great today.”   
“Dad are you okay!” Hera looked like she was about to start panicking. Jim swallowed hard.  
“Hon,” Dwight walked over and held Jim’s back. “We have a sales call today but I don’t think you should go. I can send Ryan or Pam to go with me.”  
Jim quickly lifted his gaze off the floor.   
“I feel better now.” He moved his hands around. “ I feel different.”  
“Dad, you’re scaring me.” Hera Looked at Jim. Last summer she had cut really short bangs and now they've grown and have reached Just above her eyebrows. She had dyed her hair bubblegum pink and used the leftover bleach to dye a strip of Lemon’s hair. Lemon then dyed his blonde streak yellow because he figured if he leaned into the name Lemon Dwight and Jim would stop calling him Lemon. He was dead wrong.  
“I’ll be fine, Hera. I packed your lunch and you have a peanut butter sandwich. If you don’t want it, save it for later. Did you do your biology homework?” He paused and looked over to Dwight who was trudging up the stairs to wake up Ferris.  
“I know Fourteen is an awkward age and you want to be cool but not doing your homework isn’t cool it’s stupid.” Hera opened her mouth to say something but then closed it after seeing her father give her a look. “Lemon you need to eat, '' Lemon shook his head.  
“I can just eat on the way to school.”  
He walked over to him and grabbed his shoulder. He whispered his next sentence so only Lemon could hear it,   
“ I know you’ve been upset since your parents died but I know you throw your lunch away and you don’t really ever eat breakfast, I’m worried about you because I love you very much.”   
“Look at you speaking your mind.” Hera glanced over but she mainly just ate some of her breakfast. Lemon made his way to the fridge and grabbed his leftover dinner from yesterday, half-eaten cold spaghetti.  
“Weird choice for breakfast but you do you kid.” Dwight said, ruffling Lemon’s hair while dragging Ferris down the stairs. Lemon sat the spaghetti down in front of himself.  
“I’m not leaving until you eat at least a little bit, Lemon” Lemon slowly took little bites of pasta until he finished about half of it.  
“Can I be done now?” Lemon questioned looking at Jim.  
“Fine, but I’m going to ask your teacher if you eat your lunch.”  
“Sure thing Mr.James.”  
“And one more thing Lemon, if you’re not going to call me dad at least call me Jim, Mr.James makes me feel old.”  
“You are old Mr.James, Hera come on get your shit we’re gonna be late.” Hera grabbed her backpack and dashed out behind him.  
“Hold up,” Ferris shouted. Running after them.  
Jim walked over to Dwight. “I don’t know whether to be offended or impressed.”  
“Damn Kitten, you really got shit done today.” Dwight exclaimed  
“We seriously need to discuss the use of that nickname.” Dwight Just rolled his eyes and ushered Jim out of the house.

“Mr. Morgan that is why Dunder-Mifflin is the best in customer service.” Dwight concluded the sales pitch all by himself since his so called husband decided to ditch him and go to the bathroom for twenty minutes.  
“Thank you Mr.Schrute but Osprey paper is just cheaper.”  
“Thank you for your time.” Dwight stood up and left normally he would try and fight Osprey paper, but he needed to find his damned husband. He checked everywhere he figured Jim wouldn’t actually be in the bathroom for twenty whole minutes. After five minutes of searching, he went into the bathroom.  
“Jim,” He called out. He was about to leave when he saw something red on the floor under the stall. He climbed onto the floor and slowly realized it was blood. In his panic he kicked the door down. He saw blood just dripping all over the stalls he saw his husband. His white shirt now had specks of red all over it. His jaw was covered in blood, his body draped over the toilet. The toilet bowl was filled with red.  
“Oh, Jim!” Dwight shouted and grabbed his wrist to try and feel a pulse. Nothing.  
“No,no,no,no,no,no!” he silently cried holding Jim’s lifeless body. Jim opened his eyes while Dwight was still holding him and sobbing.  
“Why are you crying,” Dwight opened his eyes and he looked down at Jim before checking his pulse again. “Did we make the sale?” Jim questioned. Dwight stared at him in shock. The only thing going through his mind was pure Joy.   
“Oh thank heavens.”  
“Let’s clean up this mess.”  
Jim and Dwight cleaned up the blood themselves. They really didn’t want to explain to their boss why this happened. Dwight wiped off Jim’s jaw and gave him his Jacket to wear over the blood stains. 

The drive to the emergency room was quick. The wait to get medical care was anything but. Dwight was about to give up and go to the front desk to try and get further up in line when he saw Lemon. Leaving one of the hospital rooms in the middle of a school day.   
Dwight tapped Jim’s shoulder.  
“Is that Lemon?”  
“Holy shit it is.” Dwight walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder.  
“Oh, fuck.” Lemon looked up at him  
“Sorry,”

“I can’t believe we had to leave the emergency room because of you!” Dwight yelled once they had all gotten into the car  
“I’m sorry Mr. Dwight.”  
“Dwight, I feel fine plus we haven’t even heard why he was there, maybe he’s hurt.”  
“I’m fine Mr. James, I just went to visit a friend because she got really hurt.”  
“What happened to her?”   
“This kid was… well making fun of me and she punched him in the face so hard she broke her wrist.”  
“My god.” Was all Dwight managed to get out.  
“What did this kid say to you?” Jim said through gritted teeth.   
“You know just the usual, only fags wear nail polish,” his voice got quiet towards the end.  
“How did you respond?”Jim asked. Lemon smirked  
“ I said you just insulted every girl here.”  
“I am kind of proud,” Dwight responded.  
“Yeah well my friend, April might get expelled.”   
“Like our next door neighbor’s daughter April?” Jim questioned  
“Todd Packer’s kid?” Dwight murmured  
“That’s just her creepy step-dad. She hates him with a passion.” Lemon leaned onto the car door.  
“I’m sure everything will workout.” Jim said and Dwight gave a reassuring nod.  
“Thanks Dad, uh I mean Jim, uh forget I said anything.”  
Jim had tears in his eyes. He was so happy Dwight kept smiling. Despite all the weird shit that happened today everything just might workout. 

It didn’t workout. Jim didn’t eat any of the cooked chicken Dwight had made no, he was eating raw chicken.  
“Mr.James that’s not cooked.”  
“I know, kiddo.” There was a knock on the door.  
“I’ll get it,” Dwight said. He thought when he turned back around he would wake up and realize everything was okay.  
It was Ferris and Hera.   
“Hi dad,” Ferris said pushing past Dwight. He glanced at Jim. ”What is he eating?”  
“Raw chicken,” Dwight decided if he started treating this like it was normal it would become normal quicker. Ferris’ straight brown hair was always messy but today he had it brushed. It seemed to fall out of place when Lemon said ‘Raw chicken’.  
“Huh” Hera responded looking terrified.   
“Guys, chill out I'm fine.” He paused and looked over at Dwight “I’m bored.”   
“Dad!” Ferris snapped his fingers in front of Jim’s face and got him to look over. He pointed his phone’s flashlight in his father’s eyes. There was no pupillary response.   
“What the hell,” Ferris murmured   
“What is it?” Hera asked. Lemon walked in to get closer to Ferris.  
“His pupillary response isn’t there.” He paused and turned off his flashlight. “Dad, can I see your wrist?” Jim stuck out his wrist towards Ferris. He checked Jim’s pulse. “Lemon, put your fingers here and tell me if you can feel his heartbeat.” Lemon did as told.   
“Yeah, No pulse.”   
“Is dad dead?” Ferris could see the fear in her eyes.  
“Yes and No.”  
“So Mr. James is like a zombie?”  
“He’s not a zombie.” Dwight rolled his eyes. “Right?”  
“Well thank god things were getting to normal around here.”  
“Cut it out, Lemon. This is serious.”  
“Well i’m going to go.”   
“Andy and Kevin invited me to Kevin’s bar.” Jim walked out the door.  
“Are y’all really just going to let him leave?” Hera’s eyes widened in shock.  
“He’ll be fine. Probably. Maybe. Yeah I’m going to go after him.” Dwight grabbed his car keys and left.

“Welcome big t!” Andy Cheered.   
“Hey Andy, Hey Kevin!” Jim walked over to the pair.   
“Tuna to be honest I thought you weren’t coming!” Jim grabbed a drinkKevin had laid out on the table.   
“Oh really Andy, why’s that.”  
“Don’t take this the wrong way Tuna but ever since you adopted your little tuna’s at home you’ve not been as much fun…”  
“Oh don’t worry about it Andy I totally get it! This morning I was just thinking maybe I should do whatever the fuck I want for a change and not worry about how others think of me.” Jim spoke with confidence that he normally didn’t have.  
“Whoa. I’m impressed, Jim!” Kevin said with a crooked smile. Andy and Kevin walked off to talk to some girl when Todd Packer walked in.  
“Hey there Halpert,” He leaned down and grabbed Jim’s shoulder. “Wanna bang it out in the mens room?”   
“No thanks!” And with that Jim attempted to walk away, until Todd grabbed his shoulder.  
“It wasn’t a question.” 

Dwight had finally found the address to Kevin’s bar apparently just in time to.   
“Jesus Christ Todd get off my husband!”   
Todd groaned  
“You wanna fight you little bitch?” Todd growled   
“No, I just want you to leave my husband alone, you piece of shit.” Dwight’s head was spinning. Why wasn’t Jim saying anything? Did he feel sick again? Todd puffed out his chest and walked over to Dwight.   
“I told you I don’t want to fight.” Dwight said people were starting to look at them.   
“Baby, it’s fine.” Jim said Dwight just sighed and walked around the bar without looking back. That’s why Dwight initially missed Jims wink. Jim grabbed Todd's arm and dragged him to the car. The drive home Todd kept making flirtatious remarks that Jim had no interest in. He did not want to have sex with Todd Packer. Jim wasn’t really even aware of what he was doing. Right when Jim and Todd got out of the car and into Jim's yard, He shoved his fingers in Jims mouth. Jim started to suck on them, making Todd groan. Then Jim covered Todd’s mouth with one hand and bit down on Todd's fingers. Todd Tried to scream but he couldn’t make much noise. Todd’s fingers had been chewed off in a matter of seconds. Blood gushed, running like a red river down his hand. It all just made Jim hungrier. Todd still couldn’t scream but he could cry. After finishing off Todd's fingers he decided to show some mercy and end his suffering by taking a huge bite out of his neck. Which ended the life of Todd Packer.


	2. Burying Todd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Schrutes hide the body! This is honestly so weird even for me sorry about all the OC's i know that they are annoying but they are necessary to get the plot along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm not dead I'm back.

Jim had eaten half of a one hundred eighty pound man! If Dwight was mad at him before then he’s definitely more mad now. He had just ruined his perfect life with his family, Dwight’s beets and most importantly Dwight! Lemon was just starting to get comfortable enough to actually call him ‘Dad’ and now he had ruined any chances with that. He didn’t deserve anything he had. He picked up his phone, making sure the webcam was away from the body and he texted Dwight.

Jim: Dwight, I need you to come here. I did something bad…

Dwight: Dear Jim,  
Where are you  
Sincerely, Dwight K. Schrute

Jim laughed at the dorky way Dwight texted before continuing

Jim: I’m @ home

Dwight: Dear Jim,  
I’m on my way  
Sincerely, Dwight K. Schrute

Jim:🙏🙏🙏

Jim grabbed Todd by whatever was left of him. Just the bloody stump of an arm. Or maybe that was the rest of his leg? The only part of his body that had barely any damage was his head. Jim could barely stomach looking at his head let alone eating it. His eyes had glazed over and his torso was so bloody if Jim had not been the one to do this he wouldn’t be able to tell what it was. Jim found an old storage bin and put whatever parts of Todd he could. The only part of him that was left was his blood on the grass. Jim’s clothes were covered in blood stains. His mouth had a ring of blood around it from blood splatter.  
“Mr. James?” Jim turned around slowly.  
“Lemon, before you say anything this was a very bad man who has done terrible things to many people.” He pointed to Todd.  
“I won’t tell anyone Mr.James.”  
“Thank you Lemon.” Jim gave an appreciative nodd. He paused before continuing. “Why are you up at 2am?”  
“Why did you kill a guy?” Lemon asked raising an eyebrow  
“Touché… Lemon, I know what I’ve done was wrong but I just couldn’t stop” He paused for a moment while tears filled his eyes.  
“No need to get emotional Mr.James we can fix this.” Lemon went to the shed before running back out with a large clear storage box and a shovel. He scooped up pieces of the dead man’s corpse, dumping it into the box. “ Now we need to drive a few miles away, bury him deep underground, and put a dead animal over his corpse so the police don’t find anything when their dog’s go sniffing around.” At that moment, Dwight’s car pulled up into the driveway, with a panicking Dwight rushing out of it. 

“Lem, I gotta say you are spookily good at planning, executing, and committing crimes.” Lemon just gave a devilish smile in return. Dwight ran up behind Jim and placed a hand on his shoulder. Out of breath he bent down and started wheezing. “I’m… Here… What’s wrong?” Jim turned around and Dwight jumped backwards. “WHAT. THE. FUCK.” In the commotion, Ferris went outside. “Holy shit!”  
“Language, Ferris.” Jim halfheartedly scolded.  
“Nuh- uh dad you killed a whole person!”  
“Yeah Mr.James, Freckle face over there is right. You’re like… a zombie now.” Dwight just stared at the mangled remains of Todd Packer silently.  
“Hon, you okay.” Jim looked over to Dwight.  
“We can’t kill people..” Dwight quietly murmured  
“Clearly, we can.” Lemon countered. Jim glared daggers at him. “Ferris, Lemon go inside. Your father and I are going to have a talk.  
“And miss this, no fuckin’ way!” Lemon exclaimed. Jim gave him a look that could kill. “Fine.” Lemon said, dragging out the ‘I’. Ferris grabbed his hand and dragged him inside.  
Dwight waited until his kids were inside before continuing. “Did you sleep with him?” Dwight said, his voice quivering. “Really, babe that’s your first concern?” Jim playfully rolled his eyes. “I won’t repeat myself.” Jim looked hurt. “Babe, no of course not! That's why I winked at you! Although I suppose I didn’t see whether or not you had left… I swear I was Just really hungry! Please Dwight you have to believe me. You think this asshole has, or I guess had anything on you? Of course not!” Dwight’s lips quirked upward “I love you kitten, Now let’s hide this dickhead.” Someone began slow clapping behind them. Which caused Jim and Dwight to spin around to face Lemon. 

“You two are so lucky Hera’s a heavy sleeper.”  
“Yeah!” Ferris chirped in from the back.  
“I thought I told you two to get to bed.” One of dwight’s eyebrows shot upward  
“I thought murdering people was illegal.”  
“Okay fine, what do you want.”  
“Well I wanna watch the show. And help you hide the body so you don’t get caught. Ferris wants to be involved.” Ferris gave a light shove to his arm.  
“Fine. Ferris, Lemon if you want to be involved find the lid to this bin, get us gloves and load the car. Jim you take a shower, and then we can bury your clothes with Todd.”  
“Look at you taking charge it’s kind of sexy.”  
“Eww! Dad!”  
“Yeah, we’re still here Mr.James .” Dwight slowly turned beet red.  
Everyone got ready, before putting the stuff in the car and heading out towards Scranton park. to bury Todd’s lifeless half-eaten corpse. The Schrutes found a good spot to hide him. One where no one ever dared went. Behind the public bathrooms. After successfully covering up the fact that Todd died, they went to their local supermarket where they bought a burner phone. Lemon called his friend April. He told her to make it look like Todd ran off from home for reasons he ‘couldn’t explain over the phone’ she complied because of how strong their friendship was.  
“Okay, If anybody asks what’s our cover story.” Dwight asked  
“Family movie night.” Everyone replied dullfully. “Right and Hera was finishing up some homework. That way we can all account for each other's whereabouts. Now let’s get home. And Jim, only eat raw chicken from now on please, for me?”  
“Of course Dwight. And let’s not tell Hera about this. We don’t need to traumatize the whole family.” Everyone nodded, even Lemon which was a first.  
“Okay kids, this is going to be a family secret, like the time uncle pete put out that fire he started to get in the newspaper.”  
“M’kay” Lemon said while staring out of the car window. Ferris Just nodded. Then it was just another thing that happened. Everyone just slowly accepted this as the norm. Little did they know, this would not be the last time that this happened.

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to update this as soon as possible.


End file.
